Road Map to Dirt's House

You call that a pitch?

Bush has apparently laid out a "specific strategy" to deal with Iraq (see link above).

In Bush speak, here is a very "specific strategy" you can use to get to my house. . . You'll go to a road and turn on it until you get to where you are going. I can't tell you how far you will need to go on that road because I have no way to gauge if you use the same measurements as I do. So, you will go on that road until you get to where you are going but I can't tell you exactly where you are going either since my house is not really a place but more of a concept. You need to trust me here. . . when you get to my house you will know it.

Meanwhile you have been driving in your car for longer than you should have. You are going in circles and have hit ever pothole in the general vicinity. You want to stop driving because going in circles and denting up your car on a terrible road doesn't make sense anymore.

But see, this is exactly where I told you that you would be. You are so close it would be wrong to stop driving now. You are almost at my house. Keep going. Trust me! When you get to my house you are going to be so happy. Oh, and you might want to turn down another road eventually to get there but I can't really tell you where that road is, or even if that road exists but you'll see it when you get to it and you'll know it when you get there.

Animal Wrongs

I just saw an ad that represents everything wrong with this country; and that includes Laura Bush and Pat Robertson.

It implores you to reward your great pet with a great gift. . . FUCK THAT!!!

Let me tell you this right now, if you are my pet you are my PET: Not a full-fucking member of the god-damned family; Not a stand in for my barren loins; Not my child, and not my everything. I have a life and it doesn't revolve around you. I'll feed you and treat you well. You'll be worlds better off than you would be on your own. I'll be a nice guy to you. But, the bottom line is that you are a pet. You don't get a fucking birthday card because you can't read. . . you don't get a fucking Xmas present because you don't have the mental capacity to understand the concept of a holiday!

As a country we spend the hell out of any of our rivals on pet goods. Why is that again? Oh yeah, it is because Fido /needs/ a 3 thousand dollar, insulated, scale replica of Mt Vernon, dog house. We'll spend literally hundreds of millions of dollars a year on useless shit for our animals and just down the street there are homeless people starving. Hey Fido! I just gave $20 dollars to the Denver Rescue Mission so, there will be no supersized beef bones under the Xmas tree for you.

Wild Turkey

Thanksgiving came and went. It is easily my favorite holiday. The only expectation is to eat. So, I did. Jenn and I went to my dad's place. His wife did all the cooking and it was great despite one little hitch. Dinner was supposed to be at 1:00pm but for whatever reason the turkey didn't make it into the oven until 11:00am. I'm no expert cook but even I would not expect a 20 pound bird to be finished in 2 hours. When we pulled the thing out of the oven it was still more than just a bit sanguine. Yes, this may be a good case for vegetarianism but I don't give up so easily. I wrapped it back up and by 5:00pm we were ready to eat.

This was only a slight oversight compared to my sister-in-law's dinner this year. She is hands down the worst cook ever. Case in point was her peach cobbler a few years back, it was blue. She didn't use food coloring but whatever she did it turned blue. Blue!? What the hell do you do to a peach to turn it blue? She is the reason that at every church pot-luck people ask, "Did Phylis make this?" I don't think she consciously tries to kill anyone but if she wanted to, it wouldn't be a long stretch. So this year my aunt said Phylis called at around 2:00pm and asked if there was a way to quickly cook a turkey. She had put her turkey in the oven at precisely 8:00am so it would be ready in time. 6 hours later, all of her guests were sitting at the table when she opened up the oven and realized that she never turned it on. Ooops!

The Case for Eugenics

Two quickies.

1. Jenn has been trying to get me to see Millions since it came out. It wasn't in town long enough for me to see it. The theatres in Ft Collins run "specialty" movies for about 2 days in the middle of the week before kicking them out to make room for the latest triple x installment. So, I have been trying to rent a copy. The locally owned video store has a backlog of requests so I went to Blockbuster -Quit your moralizing, I want to see the stupid movie so get off my back- They didn't have it there either but, as I was walking out, the lady at the counter said, and I quote her with no embellishment:
"Uh, sir I just thought I should let you know that that movie is British."
"Yes I know," said I.
"Well it isn't like a regular movie, it is kinda weird. The humor is very strange."

??? Huh? Customer service at its best. I'm glad she warned me I thought Danny Boyle was the guy that made that terrific American comedy, Gigli. Close call. Thanks Blockbuster lady, you're the tops!

2. A few of us went to go see Harry Potter opening night. Of course the seating was sporadic at best. A lady came in behind us and started moving people around so that she and her three friends could sit together. Not a big deal. But, half way through the movie a phone rings. Wait, it gets better. . . The phone was answered. Wait, it gets better. . . A conversation commenced. No kidding. I turned around and it was the organizer. She was carrying on a conversation in the middle of Harry Potter, opening night without the faintest hint of getting up and talking the conversation outside. I gave her my best WTF? Look, and asked her what couldn't wait. She looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "It's my dawwwwg, she's in labor." What the hell? Is she a dog mid-wife? Was that her dog on the phone!?
She and her three friends got up and hightailed it out. Wow, a lot of work for nothing.

And there are people that actually think that mandatory sterilization isn't a good idea.

Don't Be a Passenger

Regarding the new Carrie Underwood CD. One of her songs is titled, "Jesus Take the Wheel." Will all of you please do me a favor? If you see the dimwitted bumpkin trying to get into a car will you please, please, beat the keys out of her hands? The last thing I need is to see another idiot driver waiting for Jesus to figure out how to drive. Sure he rose from the dead and all but he lived well before cars were invented and hasn't had much practice on our roads. Jesus is not a legally licensed driver! I beg you, stop taking your hands off the wheel and expecting him drive!

Found It!

There are those moments when I am looking for something. I have torn the house apart and still can't find it. I stop. I regroup. I lean against a wall trying hard to recall where I last saw it, and there it is on the counter. Not only is it in front of my face but in perfectly plain view as well.
Or, there are the moments where I can't find the right word. I know what it is, I've used it a million times, but I just can't figure out what it is. "Man! That word would be perfect there." Three hours after I have turned in my article I remember what it is.
Or, the moments when I am at the theatre and I have bugged Jenn for the umpteenth time to tell me who that actor is. Where have I seen them? I got nothing, until in a moment of clarity I realize it isn't even an actor I've ever seen before; just someone that reminds me of someone else.

Life is like that for me, so I shouldn't be shocked when those things happen. However, when Julie sent me an article this week I was surprised to find something that I didn't realize I was looking for.
Anti-intellectual
Americans really are stupid. Not just any kind of stupid either. It is a conscious choice to be ignorant; a purposeful dumbing-down of anything erudite. Sure I have been saying it for years but I never bothered to add up the equation. I am an American and I am stupid; case in point. I just needed to see it in print to put that point on it.

I can honestly say that absolutely every one of my friends are smarter than I am. I admire intelligence so why would I surround myself with idiots? It challenges me. I like it that way. The thing is that the majority of Americans are ignorant and /they/ like it that way. They try to find people as equally inane as they are, or worse yet they look for even bigger idiots to surround themselves with. It wasn't until I read that article that the light bulb turned on. We really are a society of anti-intellectuals. Why didn't I realize that years ago? We'll elect a circle-jerking frat boy to our highest public office simply on the merits that he doesn't make us feel dumb. In fact he makes the populace feel like a bunch of freaking geniuses. How sad! We elected the token fat chick so that we, along with our banal, vapid cheerleader posse can feel good about how great we look. Don't feel sorry for the fat chick though. She's been dicking over the rest of the high school by stealing all of their food and putting on an extra 800 hundred pounds. If we are lucky his, I mean her, heart will explode from over-consumption.

I.D. the Coward's Path.

I am really getting sick of the yellow bellied hiding that the religious right is doing. I can't figure out why they don't stand up and say what they really think. There is a verse in their Bible that says: "be hot or cold, but if you are luke-warm I will spit you out." Intelligent Design is the epitome of wishy-washy luke-warm religion. They believe in a god that created everything so why hide behind a ridiculous pseudo-theory? This is the essentialized "theory" of Intelligent Design:

-The world is really complicated
-We can't understand the world without thinking too hard
-Because the world is complicated (and we can't take the time to figure it out) it must have been created with a poof and a wave of the hand by something else that we don't understand

Fact: Evolution is a fact! You don't have to go any further than your grocery store to see it; look at the varieties of tomatoes. You say it doesn't apply to animals? Look at selective breeding for dogs and cats. That is evolution! How about this fact: the Netherlands, less than 100 years ago, had a population of notoriously short men. Today men in the Netherlands have the highest average height of any nation in the world. Did every tall person migrate to the Netherlands in order to offset the substandard height ratio? No, it was a type of selective breeding. People recognize cultural "beauty traits." Those people with the cultural assigned traits of beauty are more desirable and get laid more frequently than the rest of us (nothing else can explain Anna Nichole, Pamela Anderson or Paris Hilton as far as I am concerned). The seed is spread. Evolution in the works (good thing the aforementioned are all too plastic to breed).

This BS of intelligent design?. . . just admit you are a creationists. Sure it sounds less "scientific" but you obviously have a problem with science anyway so why try to adopt the lingo to make it seem like you are thinking individuals? Saying you believe in intelligent design is the coward's way of saying you believe that a god created everything but that you are afraid to say the G word publicly. Science is just a toy for the fundamentalist. They don't really like it but they'll play with it until they get that really cool Moses action figure for Christmas.

Church of the FSM

Don't Look!

I think it is very funny that Bush's support of Republican candidate Jerry Kilgore fell on deaf ears, but I hardly think it shows resounding support for the Democrats. Don't get your hopes up liberals. The "conservative base" will still support anyone willing to kiss their collective ass; and GeeDub has those nice juicy lips that they just love. I'd like to say that I agree with the following:

The Big Loser

But let's face it Bush really is the Teflon president. Nothing sticks to this guy.

-Cocaine use? No problem.
-Alcoholic? Not an issue.
-Falsify your service record? Simple misunderstanding.
-Bankrupt every company you've ever run? Big deal.
-Start a war based on lies? Who hasn't?
-Screw anyone that isn't your crony? Well, I'm sure you are trying to be better.

Say what you want about Clinton dodging bullets but how many people died from Monica's blowjob? Yep, that's right, just her grandma. She was old anyway and linking the news of her grand daughter to the heart attack is coincidental at best.

Taking a Leak

Republicans are upset about the "leak." No, not the one involving Lewis Libby and Carl Rove. No, these hypocritical jackasses are mad because somebody leaked information, "classified information," about the US torture chambers abroad (specifically Eastern Europe).

GOP Calls for "No More Leaks"

The Bush administration is so upset that somebody tattled on them (or maybe just to CYA for the future) that they are requiring all members of the White House staff to attend "ethics" meetings. I guess what they are trying to say is that it is ethical to start wars and kill hundreds of thousands of people by leaking information to discredit a source that says there is no reason to start a war; it is, however, ABSOLUTELY /not/ ok to leak information that exposes the fact that this administration has no ethical/moral grounding, whatsoever. The White House doesn't think it is right for people to expose them as liars and cheats because it cuts in on their job efficiency. How can they carry out their job of destroying the world for their own personal gain if people keep exposing the fact that they are destroying the world.

Bush endorses family values and Christian morality. Ah, what a stand up guy! You see, the rich white American family value is greed and avarice. Christian morality involves destroying anything that doesn't align with American family values.

The only difference between this administration and Al Qaeda is the methods they use to destroy their perceived enemy.

Crap!

I'm gonna have to call BS!
A guy from Boulder says he was super glued to a toilet seat. So, now he is suing Home Depot.

Ahh The ol' Toilet Seat Trick, Eh?

Has anyone beside me poured super glue on a toilet seat? I did it on a couple of occasions my freshman year in the dorms. That stuff doesn't stay liquid for more than a minute when it is exposed to air. If he didn't see the person that came out of the stall before him then there is no way that Mr. Sniffles didn't do it himself.

The thing is, you know he is going to get some kind of crazy cash settlement out of it. Why the hell don't I think of these things? I'd gladly let some dudes carry me out the front door of Home Depot, on a toilet, pants hanging about my ankles, for a quick few dollars. I'm in college. . . I'd probably let them do it for free if they'd let me post the pictures on my website and bought me a beer.

That 'ol Death Row Just Ain't What It Used To Be.

Getting Outta Dodge

Damn it, I have trouble getting out of my fricking apartment and this jackass escapes death row. I need to get some more motivation, that's for sure!
International Noise conspiracy is getting better and better. I loved the Refused and so I made the effort to go see INC for the first few tours. They never did it for me. They are starting to fall into their own.

Jay has suggested Son's and Daughters.

I suggest the Caesars and WOXY.com

Joe? What does Joe want me to listen to? WWJD?

Ever notice a bottle of wine will mess with your spelling?

The Grand Scam of Things

Is the pool of women candidates so shallow that Bush's only choice was the transparently abysmal Miers? Now he turns around and appoints Alito. Apparently, while homosexuality is a sin in Geedub's world, dick sucking isn't. It's a man's world and all this uber conservative republican ass kissing and glad handing is evidence of such. But I have to ask again... Is the pool of women candidates that shallow? Or, maybe the president has more of a thing for men than he lets on. That smirk, gets much more pronounced around Cheeney and Rove. Does the prez have a thing for pappa bears? Old, Decrepit, hideously ugly, Pappa bears? I always wondered why the Bush twins looked more like Jeb. Hmmm. Mr President... Come out, come out wherever you are. It didn't hurt Barney Frank.

Just in case anyone is interested; I am convinced that my thesis advisor is only slightly more useful than my nipples. Anyone got any suggestions for my question? I have a load a research but where the hell do I take it? Seriously, anyone want to jump in here? I'll give you a dollar...